Monday, February 15, 2010


i'm here all alone in the house
everyone else has somewhere to be
but it's here, all alone, for me

so often i ached for alone
what i would do with such richness
but today it's here and i confess

alone is dismal company

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Snowy Week Gratefuls

275. Husband shoveling more and again

276. Children shoveling

277. Neighbors shoveling

278. Shoveling induced soreness

279. Finding saved documents with a one word search

280. Amended insurance claim

281. Holdback check

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Isaiah 9:6

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I first believed because Ed preached.

I started going to church with Steve when I realized he had not gone crazy and joined a cult that was going to steal all our money (what money?) and invite us to spend the rest of our lives in a compound. The church shared space with an exercise club. Can you really blame me that my mind headed down the cult trail?

During the week, sweaty women peered at their overweight reflections on the mirrored walls and imagined themselves in perfect bodies. On Sundays, we faced those same mirrors and considered eternity. And sometimes we checked out what others were wearing.

I started going to church with Steve after seeing him change for the better; while I was there I listened. I hid under my hair and cried. I hated those mirrors for months.

Ed preached Isaiah 9:6 for four weeks leading up to Christmas. I listened. I needed to hear that God generously gives wisdom without finding fault. I needed to hear that God is mighty and that does not mean He is mean. I needed to hear that God will always, always be there for me. My Abba. I desperately needed peace. Jesus.

Desperate girl
crying behind her hair
lifted her head and received.


Tonight, hundreds of miles from here, Ed's family and community gathered to mourn and to celebrate his life.

If I were there, if I had the guts to stand up in front of a group and speak, I'd say that I'm thankful Ed introduced me to my Jesus through Isaiah 9:6. I learned a lot from the Four Quaker Questions, and I love to use them on others. He was right - behind every face, there is a drama going on...

And there's more, but you know, I can't talk when I'm all choked up.

274. Ed

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Woodsmoke Gratefuls

267. Fluffy flakes

268. Shoveling husband

269. Sleeping until I'm ready to not sleep

270. Toasted bagel with butter

271. Coffee in the brown mug

272. Nothing urgent

Three times catching the scent of frozen air with a taste of woodsmoke -
sometime last week
sometime today
sometime next week

Jeepers, Creepers

A couple of weeks ago someone decided that it was blog de-lurking day, and a bunch of bloggers asked their readers to de-lurk. I de-lurked at exactly one blog. I don't like de-lurking. I like lurking. When I get bored with a blog, I can stop lurking and no one is the wiser. Lurking is harmless right?

My kids no longer call people 'stalkers'. They use the word 'creeper'. I guess you could say I am a bit of a blog creeper, but in a good way. I don't have much time for commenting and making blog-friends and all that, so read-only is all I have for some blogs.

Anyway, those of us brave enough to de-lurk were supposed to tell her (among other things) when and where we had heard of her blog. I honestly cannot remember when I found her blog. I cannot remember when I found a lot of the blogs I read. I do know HOW I find a lot of blogs though. I subscribe using Google Reader, and Google is my own personal creeper. Google knows more about me (and you) than me (and you). For example, my friend Google asked me this morning if I wanted to put a couple of events on my Google Calendar based on dates I had written IN AN EMAIL. I did want to, and I did put them on my calendar. Thank you, my organized friend. I also feel a bit creeped out, and I am starting to wonder if I want to be your friend.

Google Reader has a 'Recommendations' tab that uses info from the blogs I read to see what type of blogs they are and what they all are reading to recommend more blogs for me to read. I've found some interesting reads that way. Those are the ones I lurk. I suppose that's how I found the de-lurking blog. I liked her writing and related to her struggles and I stayed. Sounds kind of creepy, huh?

I also find blogs through the people's comments on other blogs. I made most of my blog-friends that way. I appreciated their comment somewhere and I started reading their blog. I suppose those people seem more approachable to me and I have more courage to comment and begin to build a friendship. I have a few blog-friends. I've neglected them lately. I'm sorry.

I also have friends who blog. I believe that our friendships are enriched by knowing and sometimes talking about the things we write.

The other day I noticed that my own blog's subscribership - Blogger does not like that word, but I do - had spiked. While I wasn't paying attention, it zoomed out of the low 20's to the mid-20's. Whoa! What happened? I looked at the analytics that Steve set up for me a couple years ago, and noticed that a lot (ok, nearly all) of the traffic came from 'Next Blog'. People (like me) who use Blogger have a link at the top of their blog to go to the next blog. I have no idea how this works, this choosing of the next, but I do know that I have been 'next' to a lot of blogs lately. I do not click 'Next Blog'. It's a scary box, and I don't want to open it (again).

Steve says the 'Next Blog' link had been removed from Blogger for a while, and then reappeared recently. I guess that's why I have the new traffic at my blog. People who visit by that road stay for an average of 0 seconds. I guess I'm not offering enough 'WOW!' or 'EEK!'

I guess they must not be looking for 'HMM...' which is all I have to offer.

So, are you a creeper? When and how did you get here? Care to de-lurk?