Sometimes something happens, something so unusual, something so strange, something so noteworthy, that you have to broadcast it in the Theatre of Hard to Believe. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your (dis)approval our newest episode...
Episode 010809 M&M BOY BECOMES NINJA STAR
The Saturday after Halloween - we'll say it was five years, two months and several days ago - an unexpected thing happened. It was a warm morning, as I recall. The four of us were in the car, making our way to one of El's soccer games. One happy family, minding our own business.
Here is where one of our oh-so-few family idiosyncrasies must come to light. Our children must sit on 'their side' of the car. Mo must sit on the right. El must sit on the left. Unless El is sitting in the front. Then she must take the right, for obvious reasons. When Mo starts driving, we may have to have a car imported from Europe so that she can continue to sit on the right. Oh, the right. Pay attention, viewers.
Mo was in the back seat. Her window was down. As you recall, we were going to a soccer game.
I sort of noticed some boys near the road. They appeared to be throwing things at the cars that drove by.
We drove by. Mo screeched and started to cry. Steve slammed on the brakes, and she managed to tell him that an M&M had hit her in the right eye.
Understand, dear viewers, that the mind boggling accuracy of the throw and what comes next would have been YouTube worthy. We're talking viral. We were traveling at a fair rate of speed and the boys were by no means at the edge of the road. It seems that it was a once in a lifetime shot.
What would you do? Well, Steve became a little girl's hero (and a future teenager's worst nightmare) that day. He got out of the car and started chasing the culprit. M&M Boy had a fair lead, too, because he hightailed it back into his neighborhood the second our car screeched to a stop.
My husband can run. He can run and he can yell while he runs. If there were an Olympic event for yelling while running, he would make the team. He only trained for it once, but I believe it qualifies him. For life.
He found the boy, as I remember it. He spoke to the boy in the presence of the boy's father. I felt a bit bad for the boy, not knowing what kind of father he had. I hoped the boy would be all right. I soon forgot M&M Boy.
In my mind's eye, I see the M&M as brown. We kept the evidence, the brown M&M, in the cubby hole in the dashboard for a few months. I guess one of us threw it away with the candy wrappers and receipts and the other relics that our car collects over time.
This story is part of our family history. It's remarkable on it's own. It's good for a laugh when we pull it out for a look and a listen now and again. We thought this was the whole story, but there was a surprise sequel several years in the making.
Fast forward now, if you will, to the beginning of the present school year.
It's an interlude of sorts. (Thanks to our sponsor, Merriam Webster).
Mo told us during the first week of school that there was a familiar kid in her math class. He was a kid that she had seen before. She had seen him by road, on that fateful day so many years ago.
Apparently, he had noticed her too. A couple of days later he asked in his best teenage boy mumble, "Uh, did you get hit in the eye by an M&M once?" She told him that she was, indeed, the target of his youthful indiscretion. It probably went something like this, "Yeah....that was you?"
In one of my more clever moments sometime around Halloween, I told her that she should take one of those fun packs of M&M's to him. She didn't.
Now we get to today. And the end, we hope, to this farce. Farce, as in "2: a light dramatic composition marked by broadly satirical comedy and improbable plot". (Thank you again, Merriam Webster).
It's math class, on a day just like any other day.
M&M Boy folds his homework into a Ninja Star. A neat trick, wouldn't you say? The teacher makes him take it apart to check to see if he did the right homework. So he folds himself a new one with some other paper. It's actually a great exercise for Geometry class.
Do you see what's coming?
The teacher leaves class a minute early for hall duty. M&M Boy pulls out his brand new shiny Ninja star.
The Sidekick asks, "Dude, is that dangerous?"
Mo is sitting somewhere between them doing her best 'ignore my rowdy class' routine.
"Only if it hits someone in the eye," says our boy.
I'm warning you audience, cover your eyes! M&M Boy has morphed into Ninja Star, and he and The Sidekick are tossing the star around doing their bad Ninja moves with teenage abandon when.
Now you see.
I am at work and my cell phone rings it's happy you-have-no-clue-what's-coming tune.
"Yeah, so I was in math class, and this kid hits me in the eye with a paper Ninja star, and now I'm in the nurses office..."
It's a serious contusion to her right eye and a slight scratch on the edge of the cornea. I think that's what the doctor said. She'll be fine. She has eye drops to prevent infection and a promising contract for some fast food meal action figures.
No animals were harmed in the making of this film. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, not-so-innocent, or just plain accident causing. Don't try this, and I mean any of this, at home.